Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
