is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
