My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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