I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
