You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
