Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
