Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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