yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
