Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The Olympian is in my bed
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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