three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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