Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
