I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
