he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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