There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
