I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
