I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
