mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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