I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
