All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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