i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
