my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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