When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do you still have your period?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
