Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
