Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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