Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
