My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
