I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
