I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
