Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
