the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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