OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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