We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
