Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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