I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
