I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
