I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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