Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
