You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
