First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You've changed since you got that strap on
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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