9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
