never play flip cup with pint glasses
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
