Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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