Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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