Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I need to calm my uterus...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
