that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
