On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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