well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
