Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
