the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
