ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
