Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
