Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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