I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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