shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
