he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
