I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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