I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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